As the text alerts came in on Friday, I had to shut them out. The word of a shooting was being discussed while we were signing Christmas Cards in our Conference Room at work. I knew if I attached myself to those words I'd lose it right then and there. Over people I didn't even know. Circumstances I didn't fully understand. So, I tuned it out. I continued signing until the cards were signed and headed back to my cubicle to read the news myself.
I checked the internet to find that the shooting was at an elementary. Numbers were still coming in. I think there were 18 when I checked.
When Lance called to see if I'd heard the news is when I lost it. And, I don't feel like I've shaken that gut wrenching, chin quivering, heart ache feeling since then.
Twenty-Six innocent lives. Children. Women. Innocence. Lives lost that day because of one man's selfish, careless actions.
How? How do you go on after something like this? I have no connection to these families, don't even know anyone who lives in CT, yet, I feel so connected. Perhaps it's because I'm a mother now. Or maybe because I'm sensitive? Or maybe yet, it's because I'm a Believer? Or maybe, just a mere human with concern and regard for others.
Whatever the case may be, this has flat shaken me to my core. The 'what ifs?' of this tragedy stop me in my tracks. The thought of losing my own, the feelings are unbarable. Tears burn my eyes and streak my face just thinking of that. But these families? These 26 families, this is their reality. It's not their 'what if?'. The pain that I feel is no where compared to what they are dealing with. The tears that I've shed over 26 strangers is nothing compared to those who actually loved these children, these heroic women.
Why am I connected? Why am I concerned? Why am I so invested in this? As a Christian, we are called to carry one anothers burdens. And when something like this happenes, whether you want to face it or not, reality is...it happened. I think it's part of loving and honoring those who were lost to watch the footage, read the reports, click through each and every picture, see each name, read a small paragraph about what each one was like. Their favorite color, their hobbies, their personalities. So many of them sending me right to tears as they reminded me of my Easton. How? How as a parent do you go on after losing a child. The least I can do is read about these precious lives. Lives lost to such evil.
The thoughts and questions and fears each one had while this tragedy was happening have swirled in my head since I clicked on the link on Friday. It's just too much. This world is just too much sometimes.
John 18:36 "My Kingdom is not of this world...but My Kingdom is from another place."
So what now? How do I, Annie, move on from this? When I think about the coward that took these lives, I can't help but see the pain. He had to be suffering deep within to feel the need to take these lives. Did no one see it? I want to see it. I want to see the hurting and the broken. I want to be a light in someones darkness. Could someone have reached out to him? Did anyone try to show love to him? We will never know those answers and perhaps he had all the love in the world and all the care in the world, but was still in the dark. Not knowing Peace. Not knowing THE Prince of Peace. Lord, help me be Peace to those around me.
I think the best thing we can do today and tomorrow is to show love to others. We all have brokeness and hurt and mess. But can we not just take a moment to see others the way Jesus does. With outstretched arms. With Love. With a tender heart. Quick to forgive. Slow to anger. Lord knows I'm guilty of falling short of all of these, but I want to be different. I want to be changed. I want to be a strong woman of God that my husband is proud to call his own. I want to be a mother so reflective of Jesus, that my footsteps lead Easton to Jesus. For me, this is how I will honor these 26.
The love must start at home. Jesus must be shown at home. At all times. To all people.
As I drove from work today, towards school to pick up my boy, I looked in the rear-view mirror. All I could see were raindrops and deep angry blue clouds. Quite descriptive of how I felt. But no more than a mile or two down the road, the sun popped out and in that same rear-view mirror was the brightest most magnificent rainbow. Gods reminder to me, that even though there are clouds, He is always there. It may not be in the form of ROY G BIV, but it's there. Hope. Peace. Joy. Grace. It's always there. His free gift.
I have seen this quote countless times over the weekend and find it comforting:
"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world." Fred Rogers
May I be a helper. May I raise my boy to be a helper.
Tonight, along with the last few nights and days since this has happend...I've rocked a little longer, I've kissed a little more, I've lingered a few more minutes at his classroom, I've bent down for 'one more kiss...and one more hug (for the 5th time)' as I leave him at school, I've cherished a little more, I've loved a little harder. God knows I love this child more than life itself, but these days, it seems a bit more intense. And that's fine with me. I never want to lose sight of the precious gift that I've been given. Tomorrow is not promised.
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around
outside your body." Elizabeth Stone
I'm sure none of the families of the 26 will ever read this, but my prayers and deepest heart ache is with them. I am truly sorry for the loss of these precious loved ones. I pray that they find the Peace and comfort that is waiting for them with arms streched wide, ready to hold each one. Your sweet loved ones will NOT be forgotten.
A few of my favorite blogs touched on this today. I thought you might enjoy them too.
Ann Voscamp
Bits of Splendor
Tales of Me & The Husband
Annie - You have said it all and said it well. Stacey
ReplyDelete